Close the border… of Colorado [HUMOR]

It’s time to make Colorado great again. It’s time to close our borders.


I am a Colorado native. I was born in St. Joseph’s Hospital in Denver. From kindergarten to graduate school, I attended all Colorado schools. I’ve been gainfully employed in nothing but Colorado-based businesses. I’ve hiked 14ers, bleed green chili, and drink craft beer with every meal. I am a true Colorado native through and through.

And that is why I consider it my sacred duty as a native to make Colorado great again.

We have it pretty good here in the Centennial State, but it is at risk of being invaded by outsiders — outsiders who want to rob our state of its unique identity and implement their own radical agenda to make our state more like the “shithole” they left.

This is why I am recommending — nay, demanding! — our state lawmakers and our governor secure and fortify the Colorado border. It’s time that we put an end to the open borders that have made our state so unsafe and insecure for years.

We are surrounded by some bad hombres — specifically our neighbors to the south, New Mexico. If you thought Mexico was bad, wait until you see Mexico 2.0 — now more violent and druggy. 

Have you seen Breaking Bad? The whole show pretty takes place in this narco paradise. The last thing we need is our southern border to be overwhelmed with mobile meth labs driven by crazed baby boomers in their tighty whities.

Speaking of drugs, let’s not forget how open borders allows for the free flow of narcotics between states. My concern isn’t so much about drugs entering Colorado, but the reverse actually. Colorado dank should remain here for native consumption. If non-natives want it, then they need roll up their sleeves (and joints) and decriminalize/legalize their own. 

But they probably won’t because they live in a land of religious fundamentalism like our neighbors to the west, Utah — a place that makes the Middle East look like a spring break trip in Tijuana. If you thought the Taliban was bad, wait until you meet these no-hot-or-caffeinated-drinks-allowed zealots.

These theocratic fanatics banned happy hour. Happy hour! That means 24 hours of mandatory unhappiness. Even Sharia Law apologists say this is “totes cray.” It’s just a matter of time before 3 million Utahans pull a reverse Joseph Smith, head eastward, and flood our border with wave after wave of unhappy boozers. 

This isn’t just an issue about safeguarding against underwear-clad violence, drug trade imbalance, and the mass exodus of bummed out cheap alcoholics; it’s also about protecting our workforce. Colorado jobs should be for Colorado natives only—not Nebraskans. In fact, employers caught hiring non-natives should face a harsh penalty, like being deported to Kansas.

What’s even scarier is that we are being threatened by a state that doesn’t share a border with us: California. Caravans of wannabe Hollywood starlets and Silicon Valley expats are invading our state. The cultural revolution of Colorado turning into California was such a slow, gradual process that most of us natives didn’t even notice it until it was too late. 

It only makes sense that Californians have been buying up Colorado over the years so they can maintain their beachfront lifestyles when climate change finally kicks into full gear.

So how do we fund the construction of this 1,320-mile border wall around our beloved state? Easy. We will just make all of our surrounding neighbors pay for it. Why is that so easy? Because apparently it is perfectly acceptable to make such a claim nowadays without any factual backing or detailed analysis — and people will just accept it on face value. If worse comes to worst, we can also just declare a state of emergency too. Our options are not limited by reality.

Building this wall will not only protect Colorado, but also serve as a bold precedent for all states to do the same. This way we can restrict the flow of people, goods, and services across the entire country — like all good free-market societies do. It was certainly effective in North Korea and Venezuela. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to Home Depot to pick up supplies to build the wall! What’s that you say? Home Depot is based in Georgia, not Colorado? Ok. Fine. I guess that I will have to patronize another business for building materials. How about Ace Hardware? Dammit — Illinois. Lowes? Ugh — North Carolina.

Y’all start go ahead and start making Colorado great again without me. I need to find the right Colorado-based business to patronize. I may be a minute.

I wonder if Chipotle sells lumber.