Who better to build the wall than a network dedicated to outlandish projects without any perceivable recognition of time-space continuum or budgetary constraint?
It is abundantly clear that if President Trump wants to fortify the border with the wall that he promised on the campaign trail, he is going to have to get creative.
As a god-fearing patriot, I would like to chip in my two cents, which is — coincidentally — two cents more than what Congressional Democrats and the Mexican government are currently offering.
Trump’s best bet for erecting a border wall is simple: HGTV. Trump should nationalize HGTV, and enlist the network’s treasure trove of charming, well groomed, and sexually ambiguous hosts to protect our country.
If you are an unwashed deplorable who doesn’t get HGTV in your double-wide, allow me to explain. HGTV — short for “Home and Garden Television” — is a boob-tube network dedicated entirely to the design, construction, purchase, and sale of outlandish houses without any perceivable recognition of time-space continuum or budgetary constraint.
That last point is key. Considering that Trump is having a hell of time securing the $5 necessary to build the wall, HGTV is the perfect solution. Anybody who has watched this network’s programming knows that there is an endless supply of money for every build — like they pulled up the carpets to find that the subflooring was made of gold bricks. For some reason, each house project comes equipped with a one-acre back porch, furnished with a gas-powered fire pit, a smoker grill, his-and-her hammocks, and a bottomless mimosa bar. Since money is not an issue, the possibilities offered by HGTV are endless.
Hell, HGTV could probably just buy Mexico and flip it.
Heading up the project, of course, is the obnoxiously lovable duo from Fixer Upper, Chip and Joanne Gaines. Chip and Jo taking the lead makes sense from a purely logistical standpoint: this Texas couple practically lives at the border. Plus, Chip and Jo will take the design of this border wall into a realm of “Farmhouse-chic” that Trump never could fathom. Everybody knows that concrete slabs and steel slats are out; repurposed barn wood and whitewashed shiplap are all the rage.
Next, the skills of the Johnathan and Drew Scott, the Property Brothers, will be essential. Who better to understand the dastardly minds of immigrants — how they think, move, and attack — than a couple of cunning Canadians who somehow snuck into the States?
In addition to to his migrant mindmeld, Drew’s knowledge of the real estate market will come in handy when land needs to be acquired (read: extorted by government force). You can see Drew’s skills in action in Season 3, Episode 17, titled “Empty Nesters and Eminent Domain.”
HGTV hosts will have to fight their incessant obsession with “open concept” builds though. We’re building walls here, people — not tearing them down.
Imagine the grand reveal at the end of the episode where Trump gets to see the final product. The President can boyishly gush about how “beautiful” and “yuge” his new wall is. Typically, the guest is blindfolded before the grand reveal, but — since Trump has been operating blindly for some time now — the visual obstruction is overkill.
As an added bonus, HGTV’s Love It or List It philosophy provides an implicit exit strategy. If we find ourselves in a bit of quagmire (as we tend to do), then we can always offload the costly absurdity onto some fictional buyer. (Again, money never seems to be an issue.) Mexico — this is a once-in-a-lifetime offer, that you bad hombres better not miss out on again. Otherwise, we are going to sell to the Chinese to help our trade deficits. The Chinese know a good wall when they see it.
With his eyes fixated on his reelection bid, Trump would appeal to a wide variety of voters with this bold move.
First, HGTV is our reality TV president’s answer to his problem with connecting with specific voters demographics, such as women and young people. Women would flock to support the HGTV border wall if it offered additional storage space. Millennial and Generation Z voters — who make up 55 percent of HGTV’s audience according to Yahoo Finance — love HGTV because it is the closest they will ever get to purchasing a home.
Also, Trump’s fanatical base would eat this up. For those who think federalizing a privately owned cable network would be problematic for the “Drain the Swamp” crowd, think back to the days when this very same group was prepared to storm the walls of A&E when Duck Dynasty got cancelled.
This executive action will provide Trump with exactly what he needs to fulfill his signature campaign promise and get reelected in 2020: curb appeal. And by “curb appeal,” I mean “curbing illegal immigration would be mighty appealing,” amirite? (Sorry. I’ll stop now.)